(Original Post - April 2020)
There are few sounds that can fill a house of self-isolating individuals more fully than that of a ten year old kid wailing on a drum kit. James started lessons about a month ago, and he’s beginning to get the hang of several of the beats... fills… measures; I’m not sure about the terminology drummers use. The word “reverberation” however, comes promptly to mind.
But hey, he’s trying. Sort of…
I was up in his room with him yesterday, and he was practicing for a Skype lesson that he’s got coming up today with his instructor. He’d play a few beats, miss a few, get frustrated, blame the drum set, and shake his head. I tried the typical encouragement and offers to help, though it didn’t exactly go well. I left after a few minutes, and was talking to Tara down in the kitchen. I mentioned that James wasn’t practicing nearly enough, that he hadn’t really picked up the beats he was supposed to have learned in the past week, and that it sounded pretty bad.
I went upstairs a little while later, and James was not entirely receptive to me. After a couple of minutes, he turned to me and said that he had heard what I said downstairs, about how his playing wasn’t very good. And he was upset by it.
ac·count·abil·i·ty | \ ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē \
noun
: the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.
: the quality or state of being accountable, especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions
Accountability Lesson One
Here’s the thing. We all sometimes say things out of frustration, and say them in a way that we wouldn’t want other people to hear directly. I’ve often told my kids that they shouldn’t say anything about a person that they wouldn’t say in their presence. But that’s what I did. I was telling my wife that James’ playing was sounding terrible. Would I have looked James in the face and said that his playing was terrible? Absolutely not. But when James called me out on what I said, I had to take responsibility. It was a lesson learned; a reminder that if you say something about someone, it should be something you’d be comfortable saying directly to them.
That, however, does not excuse his lack of practice.
See, kids need to be accountable too. Before we bought James his new drum set, we talked with him and told him that if we invested money in a kit and lessons with an instructor, he needed to commit to practicing and trying his best to learn this new skill. There is no reason that a ten year old should not be able to take some responsibility for their own learning, especially if it’s something fun that they’ve expressed an interest in.
The key, I think, is striking that right balance. We need to hold kids accountable for the initiatives that they take on, but we need to remember that they are kids. As parents, we are accountable and responsible for leading them in the right direction. It’s not enough to buy a drum kit, look at the kid and say, “Get to it, Ringo.” It’s important that we help with the right amount of encouragement, with setting up a routine, and with reminders that with practice, the skill will undoubtedly develop and improve.
So, I sat on James’ bed and thought about how to continue as he absently gave the snare a few unenthusiastic smacks. And then, I asked him to teach me. He was confused at first. I had commented on how his playing wasn’t that great, and now, I was asking him to teach me. There’s a saying… I can’t remember it, and I’m not going to search it up, but essentially it’s this – we often learn something best by teaching it to someone else. When I asked James to teach me the double beat measure (?), he sat up a little straighter. His voice took on a different quality. And he went through the beat slowly, carefully and accurately to show me how to do it. And after a few minutes, I was actually able to do it. Albeit, not great, but I could fumble through it. It also taught me something else – drumming is hard, and takes a crazy amount of focus and coordination. It’s something I’ll remember from now on when I listen to him play.
We finished up, and I was really happy with how well he did, how he went through the beats almost perfectly, and how he taught me to play. As we were leaving the room, I said, “James, you’re an awesome teacher.” He smiled and said, “Was that one of the two sincere compliments you talked about?”
Accountability Lesson Two
The “sincere compliment” that James was talking about came from a video that I made several days earlier. I recorded it for a website I’ve made to promote wellness, mindfulness and social-emotional learning. In the video, I challenged everyone to do several 2s on Tuesday (TWOsday). Briefly, they were:
· Wake up and think of two things for which you’re grateful
· Give two sincere compliments to people through the day
· Connect with two people you haven’t spoken to in a while
· At the end of the day, think of two positive things about your day (if you struggle with this, plan to incorporate two positive activities into the following day)
It’s easy to jump on social media and say, ‘hey, you should do this’ or, ‘we should all be doing more of this.’ As me and James walked down the hallway, he was unknowingly (or perhaps fully knowingly) holding me to account. He had watched the video on YouTube and had apparently paid close attention. Had I done all the things that I had asked others to do on Tuesday? The answer is no. The simple lesson: ‘Don’t talk the talk if you’re not going to walk the walk’.
Norah has also been great at keeping me accountable. When this COVID pandemic quarantine started, she immediately began thinking of ways to compensate for the loss of physical activities. She told me that she was going to get up every morning, head down to the basement, and do a workout routine. I told her that I was going to get up early as well, and use those early hours to get some good work done.
I’ve watched her get up and do this routine without fail, every single day. However, my early morning rises are not at all what I had planned. That is not to say that I’m sleeping in late. My nighttime routine is identical to the routine I followed when school was in regular session. However, I alter the alarm time much more often than I should.
Accountability Lesson Three
We need to be accountable and responsible for our own actions, our own lives, and help to positively impact the people around us. This pandemic should not be a reason to let routines and goals be put entirely by the wayside. If anything, we need to use this time in a very different, very creative and very intentional way. While James plays his drums, Norah plays her piano. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to take out my guitar, dust it off, and see where things might go with a bit of daily practice. Aside from the work-from-home hours that Tara is punching, she’s also reading more and walking more than she has in a long time. It’s so important to keep old routines and develop new and better habits.
When I get up in the morning, I shower and get dressed right away. I am not, nor will I ever be a person to roll out of bed and lounge around in pajamas. I truly, truly believe that we need to get up and start our day as we would any other day in any other time (that wasn’t a pandemic time… or snowmageddon time). I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s pandemic parade here, but really, I look at social media, and I really wonder if we are doing everything we need to help ourselves. I’ll be honest, I don’t really get the “OMG what day is it? LOL” messages that are posted after 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. I fully, completely acknowledge that many of us are really struggling; many of us are trying to adapt, and are doing everything we can just to get by, be it emotionally, mentally, financially or physically, but every one of us needs to ask ourselves, are we truly taking responsibility for our wellness and the wellness of those around us. As we hear every day, we are in this Covid-19 situation for the long haul. It’s not an extended vacation; it’s a new way of living.
I’ll be the first to admit that the amount of screen time that my kids have been having is more than I’m happy with. Am I going to take their iPads? No. Am I going to be more accountable in monitoring how much time they have their faces in those screens? Of course. The same goes for eating habits, physical activity, personally unplugging from devices and working on connections and relationships. We are, each and every one of us, accountable for what we do and how we influence others. We are not, and will never be perfect. There is no such thing. However, we can all do the best we can every day to make this time in our lives the best it can be. I recently read a quote that said “Personal accountability requires mindfulness, acceptance, honesty and courage.” These are not unattainable skills or talents. These are character traits and virtues that each of us already possess.
Take them out, dust them off, and see where things go with a bit of daily practice…
“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” - Les Brown
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