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a little discipline

davidjameslynch

(Original Post - September 2012)


Let me start by saying that there are a lot of good parents out there.


Over the years, I’ve always respected really great parents; parents who put everything they’ve got into the ‘job’ of raising a child that is kind, compassionate and respectful of everyone around them. I’ve often heard such parents described as those who go ‘above and beyond’ when it comes to their kids. I can appreciate such a description, but it begs the question of what they are rising above and beyond.

Above and beyond, as used in our society, usually describes actions and efforts that far surpass what would normally be expected of an individual. That being the case, great parenting should not be considered above and beyond what’s expected… it should in fact be what’s expected. It should be the norm.

Unfortunately, in today’s society, that’s not the case.


So, while I maintain that there are a lot of really good parents out there, I also have to say this – I believe that this generation of parents, this collective group of individuals currently raising children, is perhaps the most ineffective generation of parents to ever raise children. Eyebrows are probably slightly elevated on the faces of some readers now. If so, good. I’ve got your attention.


Every generation of parents has had its struggles. Every generation has had parents that weren’t willing or able to invest themselves into what is undoubtedly one of the most important roles you could ever play. And yes, many past generations were comprised of parents who used tactics such as fear to shape behaviors and instill values. But never has the world witnessed such a situation whereby young children are regularly treating adults, and each other, with such blatant disrespect and disdain.


Case in point; I witnessed a situation today that enraged me to the point that, hours later, I have to struggle to unclench my fists in order to type these words. A young boy, about 6 years old, doesn’t like something that his mother says. His reaction is to lower his iPod long enough to give her a smack and tell her to “Shut up” before resuming his game. Her reaction? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This child does this in front of several adults and children (not that this matters) and the mother stands there and does nothing. In my last blog post, I wrote about Norah’s entry into school and the larger world, and how it sometimes overwhelms me. Instances like the one I witnessed today are huge contributing factors to my anxiety, because our world is filled with people who allow insolence and disrespect to spread unchecked.


This blog has always used the subheading, Lessons Learned from the Wisdom of Kids. In many ways, kids that demonstrate these behaviors can teach us many things. Not from their wisdom, per se, but perhaps from their keenness. I’ve learned to look beyond the behaviors of such kids (not dismiss it, just look beyond), and look at the parenting skills of the adults in their lives. Usually, they can be summed up as ineffectual. I’ve learned that these kids are incredibly astute when it comes to figuring out what they can get away with, and are adept at creating situations where they convince parents that it’s just easier to ignore the bad behavior. And lastly, I’ve learned that effective discipline is a lost skill.


Discipline is work. If it were easy, everyone would do it, and do it well. When a kid misbehaves, minor or major, it needs to be dealt with. What’s happening is that parents like the one I witnessed today have either given up because of the effort required, or have never bothered to try at all. Too often, I hear these parents blame everyone else for the behavior of their children – “He gets that from his brother,” “She must have picked that language up at school”, “It’s my parents’ fault because they weren’t good role models to me,”or “That’s those video games that he’s playing”. We are a generation of excuse finders. Blame anyone; point the finger at anyone but ourselves. Why? Because again, it’s the easy way out.


I use the ‘Time Out’ approach with James. It’s not fun for either of us, but it works. If he does something inappropriate, he’s going to sit on the bottom step of our staircase. And I’m going to sit right there with him. So, James gets upset while playing superheroes with Norah, and subsequently throws a Batman action figure at Norah’s face. Firstly, the time out takes him away from the superhero game, which bothers him immensely, but that’s fine. He’s learning that there’s a consequence for what he did. Second, the time out gives me a chance to explain why what he did was wrong (he usually knows, but I tell him anyway). And lastly, the requirement for leaving the time out when time is up is an apology. A genuine one. He sees that it’s necessary to apologize, and he sees the appreciation we demonstrate when he apologizes, so whether his “I sorry, Norah” is legitimate or not, at least he sees that it’s a behavior worthy of recognition. (This example is not meant to be an attempt to impart advice or ‘wisdom’ on the reader. In fact, many may say that I go about it the wrong way, which is fine, because I’m always looking for ways to improve. This example is merely meant to illustrate that with a little effort, discipline can be used to teach a kid appropriate behaviors. When James gets a time out for a behavior, there’s rarely a second infraction).


Kids are incredibly good at calling your bluff, and putting you in your place, if given the opportunity. I always cringe when I hear a parent do the “I’m going to count to 3, and then…” strategy, and not follow through on it. “One. Two... I’m at Two…This is your last chance… Three comes next. Come on, hurry… I’m gonna say three. Two and a half…… If I say three, you know what happens…” And then it doesn’t. The kid waits out the three count, listens to some final warnings, followed by additional pleas, a modification of the bargain perhaps, and ultimately no follow-through. What has the child learned? That you can’t follow through with any consistency whatsoever. But you can count to three… with difficulty.


Kids have also taught me that they can be master manipulators, and have taught me how easily we as parents are duped, or willingly allow ourselves to be duped for the selfish benefits it affords us. I was talking with a 7 year old last year, who was professing his love for Call of Duty, which his dad had recently bought for him. I don’t know much about the game, aside from the fact that it’s incredibly violent. I asked if his parents knew how violent the game was, knowing full well that they did. The kid smiled at me; a smile beyond his 7 years. He said, “I told Dad if he bought it, he’d be the coolest dad ever. Now, we play it every night together.” The sad part is that this father actually thinks this is true, and without doubt he’d likely pin a ‘Father of the Year’ badge on himself, fully thinking he deserves it.


My intent was not for this post to become a rant. Honestly. My intent was to share a few observations and thoughts that have been milling around in my head for quite some time now. It’s not meant to be preachy, because I don’t have the answers. Every day, I’m trying to figure out how to be a better parent. Incidentally, I think that this is one of my greatest attributes as a father; not having all the skills, but working every day to improve the ones I have and to set new goals for tomorrow. My goal in all of this is to raise children that have a good conscience, strong integrity, clear morality and who will ultimately practice a discipline that comes not from myself or my wife, but from themselves.


I see too many kids not getting the parental guidance they need. Too many kids getting away with atrocious behavior because it’s easier to ignore it or let it go than it is to deal with it. Too many kids that are beating the streets unsupervised at too young an age because it’s the easiest thing for the parent to do. Too many kids that dictate their wants instead of earning occasional rewards. Too many kids that are given junk food or toys in exchange for temporary obedience and compliance. Too many kids that never have explained to them why certain behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate.


When me and the kids left the situation that I discussed earlier, I discussed it at length with them. I explained to the kids that what the kid did was wrong, and I explained why. I explained that what the mother did, or didn’t do, was also very wrong, and I explained why. And I explained what should have happened, and told them what the consequences should be if one person ever treats another person that way. They’re 2 and 4 (“almost 3 and almost 5”, they’d say), but they get it.


Though this post wasn’t quite as lighthearted as my last, I felt it had to be written. If for no other reason, I felt the need to get it off my chest.


Some may agree with the ideas, and some may disagree. I'm fine with that. And though I've edited this post several times to filter out much of the anger and frustration that seeped through, some may in fact be offended by the ideas. I'm fine with that too. The question I'd ask, however, is why?

Just a thought - We all make mistakes when it comes to parenting, but how often do we take the time to reflect on what we’re doing, evaluate how it’s working (or not working), and explore ways to improve.


“Discipline is important simply because we live in an organized society where, if you have not learned life's requirements at an early age, you will be taught later - not by those whose love tempers the lesson, but by strangers who could not care less about the harm they do to your personality.” - William E. Homan


“Discipline is teaching a child the way he should go. Discipline, therefore, includes everything you do to help your child learn. Unfortunately, it's one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. Most people generally think of it as punishment or as something unpleasant. We need to understand that discipline is something you do for a child. The purpose of discipline is positive--to produce a whole person, free from the faults and handicaps that hinder maximum development” –Zig Zigler


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