(Original Post - August 2011)
“Hey Norah. Where’s Thumper’s dad?”
We’re sitting on the living room floor a while back, and my wife and Norah are reading a Disney book about Thumper, his siblings and mother. I couldn’t help but notice that the father wasn't mentioned, and so I thought I’d get her take on the situation.
-“Do you think he’s at work?”
-“No Daddy.”
-“He must be gone to get some food…?”
-“No Daddy.”
-“Then where is he?”
-“Daddy, Thumper doesn’t have a daddy. It’s him and his mom and his brothers and sisters. That’s the family.”
Norah gives her mother a ‘can you believe this guy?’ glance, and they go back to their book.
I give myself credit for being a fairly ‘modern’ thinker, but in that moment, I’ll admit I felt a little 1955. In my mind, I automatically assumed that Thumper’s father was off somewhere, doing ‘fatherly’ things – gathering food, fixing the den, warning young deer of an impending forest fire…
In short, I assumed that Thumper must be from a nuclear family.
Working in an elementary school, I work with all types of families, and I'm always fascinated by the completely unique dynamic of each one. It amazes me that, somewhere in my head, I still automatically assumed that a fictional family of rabbits must be a nuclear family, even though there is no mention of the father.
I remember a meeting that I attended several years ago that taught me a pretty important lesson. Myself and the school guidance counselor were meeting with a young girl in an elementary school. The guidance counselor had been told by the child’s mother that she and the father had split up at the end of June, and the girl now spent alternating weeks with each of the parents. The counselor called the girl in, made small talk, and then broached the subject.
“So, I heard that things were a little tough this summer?”
A questioning look from the girl.
“Want to talk about it?”
The girl looks out the window, and shrugs her shoulders.
The counselor continues. “You know, when something bad happens, it’s-”
“But nothing bad happened,” the girl interjects.
“Honey, your mom told me that she and your dad split up.”
“Yeah, but that’s not bad,” smiles the girl. “Before, all they did was fight and scream. Now they live in different houses, and I get to be with both of them, and no one is angry anymore.”
The room was heavy with realization.
Immediately after the meeting, the counselor told me that she had ‘completely dropped the ball’ on that session. She, like so many, automatically assumed that the breakdown of a nuclear family must be a bad thing. In fact, quite the opposite was the case. The little girl was happier than she’d been in years.
I know of another young student who lives with his sibling in the care of an organization that helps children whose parents aren’t willing or able to do what’s required. The kids are cared for by a group of people, and any one of these people could pick the student up from school on any given day. The neat thing is that no student, to my knowledge, has ever said “Hey, where’s your mom?” or “Where’s your dad?” when one of the group arrives to pick the child up. They say something that always makes me smile. “Hey *Tommy*, hurry up. Your friend is here!” Kids are completely accepting of the fact that today’s family structure is incredibly diverse, and I think that’s pretty cool.
Whether it’s a single-parent family, foster family, same-sex couple, adoptive parent(s), common-law family, a child raised by grandparents, a couple without children, a blended or extended family, it doesn’t matter. The name is irrelevant.
The nuclear family was termed as such in reference to it being a central entity around which others could collect and connect. What kids see so easily and make abundantly clear is the fact that anyone who has the desire to care for and connect with another person can be a nucleus.
The boys from Liverpool said it best. All you need is love.
Just a thought – A while back, I was a bit put off by the new slogan of a local grocery store. After taking the kids to the library, the playground and the hardware store, we were going through Dominion getting the ingredients for chicken tetrazzini. As I approached the checkout with my cart full, James started yelling that he had to pee. As I ran to the washroom carrying two children, we passed about a dozen oversized banners bearing the slogan “With busy Mom in mind”. My feelings toward this slogan were pretty strong. I couldn't help but wonder, How would the single dad feel? How would the widowed dad feel? ‘In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit. ‘ -Marge Kennedy
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